How to Recover from a Toxic Job
By Melody Wilding
You made the brave decision to say goodbye to a toxic workplace. Now you deserve to reclaim your confidence and leave the baggage of a negative environment behind you. In this article, the author offers strategies to help you heal, forge ahead, and be successful in your new role: 1) find closure, 2) take control of what you can, 3) plan for triggers and, 4) savor the positive moments. With patience and self-compassion, you can rise above and become more resilient than ever before.
It’s no secret that today’s professionals are seeking environments where they can mentally and emotionally thrive. Workers are now less tolerant of hostile treatment, poor communication, and office drama. In fact, a recent study conducted by MIT’s Sloan School of Management found that a toxic workplace culture is the number one reason people leave their jobs and is 10.4 times more likely to contribute to attrition than compensation.
Escaping the onslaught of stress that comes from working in a dysfunctional situation can be a boon to your well-being. But fully letting go of the effects of a toxic workplace can be difficult. In my work as an executive coach, I’ve witnessed countless intelligent, capable professionals struggle to recover from the unpredictably, fear-mongering, and even bullying they endured. They sometimes carry hyper-vigilance and reactivity into their next role, which affects their performance and enjoyment.
Take Gerald, who was three months into his new role as project manager at a software company. By all measures, his first 90 days had been successful. He had implemented new, much-needed procedures and had built positive relationships with key stakeholders. Despite these results, Gerald couldn’t shake a feeling of uneasiness with his new manager. He told me, “I’m scarred by my last role. I had to be extremely careful with my words to avoid them being twisted and used against me by my boss. I could never bring up hard topics without him exploding.”
It was clear Gerald’s past experience with a toxic workplace had left a mark. And he’s not alone. Workplace trauma is a real and under-discussed issue — one that’s more important to address given high rates of employee burnout and turnover. It can arise from any number of damaging behaviors, from verbal harassment or social isolation to racism and job insecurity. One technology strategist summed up the day-to-day experience of living with workplace trauma well by saying, “Has anyone ever had toxic workplace PTSD? Like, the chime sound of an incoming email evokes your ‘fight, flight, or freeze response?’ Just me?”
You’ve already done the hardest part: making the brave decision to say goodbye to a toxic workplace. Now you deserve to reclaim your confidence and leave the baggage of a negative environment behind you. Here’s how to heal, forge ahead, and be successful in your new role.
Find closure.
You may harbor resentment toward those who mistreated you. Or perhaps you replay situations and conversations over and over in your head, wondering what you could have done or said differently. This type of rumination is common and understandable. The brain hates ambiguity and will attempt to seek answers to wrongdoings, even if it doesn’t benefit us.
The need for cognitive closure is powerful and it can help us find acceptance that allows us to transition away from what’s finished to something new. For instance, Gerald was still angry at his former boss for not being appreciated and attacking Gerald when he tried to be helpful. Gerald realized that he’d never receive an apology from his boss, nor did he need one. Instead, he needed to forgive and express appreciation for himself. I asked Gerald to write a letter to his past self, acknowledging that he did the best with the tools, knowledge, and experience he had at the time, which proved to be a powerful self-healing exercise.
Moving on from a job — toxic or not — is a loss, so give yourself space to grieve. Consider a releasing ritual, such as writing a “goodbye” letter (that you don’t send), archiving or deleting your work files, or shredding old documents.
Take control of what you can.
No one ever deserves to be treated unfairly, bullied, or abused, yet self-blame is a common response to trauma. You may find yourself preoccupied by what-if’s (what if I had spoken up sooner?) or feel shame over the treatment you suffered. Self-compassion goes a long way to rebuild your confidence, as does taking your power back through constructive action that strengthens your sense of self.
Let’s say you were expected to be responsive around the clock in your last role. It’s not productive to beat yourself up for being a “pushover.” After all, your previous employer is responsible for perpetuating an “always-on” environment and assigning an overwhelming workload. It’s much more useful to channel your energy into improving your assertiveness skills so that you can speak up when you sense a project isn’t achievable or sustainable in your new role. Put what you learned from your last role to good use by clearly communicating your boundaries and expectations.
Plan for triggers.
Pay attention to situations in your new job that feel familiar because they bring you back to old stress reactions. Identifying specific situations that are likely to emotionally trigger you can give you power to make a plan to deal with them. Common triggers include being excluded, feeling helpless, or perceived rejection.
Gerald’s history with a bullying boss meant he was especially on edge ahead of one-on-ones with his new manager. Connecting those dots allowed Gerald to calm his nervous system with a few deep breaths in advance. He also developed the habit of observing the stories he was telling himself. At first, if his boss failed to offer him positive feedback, he’d think, “Here we go again. This is just like my last job. My manager doesn’t appreciate me.” Gerald learned to recognize that unhelpful inner talk track and judge their relationship on its own merits, without projecting the past.
Savor the positive moments.
The brain is always on watch for potential danger, but this especially true following trauma. This is why you may attune to potential slights, criticisms, and threats even once you’ve started a new role in a safer environment. You can rewire this tendency through savoring, a psychological technique that involves turning positive, fleeting moments into positive experiences and beliefs. Savoring has been shown to increase feelings of happiness, satisfaction, and self-efficacy.
Here’s a few practices you can try:
Positive reminisce. Spending 10 minutes per day reflecting on thoughts and emotions related to an enjoyable moment.
Three good things. Writing down three positive events each day and reflecting on why they happened.
Sharing with others. Creating a daily practice of relating “daily highs” to a colleague or loved one.
Self-congratulation. Relishing in moments of strengths and times throughout the day where you exercised your strengths.
Positive imagination. Thinking about the next day and imagining in detail all the good things that could happen.
Finally, consider opening up to others once you’ve established trust at your new job. Everyone will have different comfort levels around disclosure, but talking about your past experiences can be an important step in healing for some.
Above all else, take care of yourself. Adjusting to a new job can be stressful under the best of circumstances, let alone when you’re recovering from the effects of a toxic workplace environment. With patience and self-compassion, you can rise above and become more resilient than ever before.
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